I have been in transition for 4 years now, as of Memorial day weekend 2004. I came out to my family while at a barbeque on that Sunday.  I started living full time in October of that year, and on December 26th I Had my Drivers license changed to reflect my true gender as well as my new name.  The state of Oregon, and the Federal government recognize me as female.

I am soon to start my third year in transition. Things in my life have been bumpy at times, near critical at others, and seemingly wonderful at yet others.

Last year I faced the loss of my partner of 20 years, getting her back after a month only to lose her again eight months later.

The year brought a new job with wonderful, accepting people and a new outlook on life after being hospitalized due to a blood clot.

It brought an old friendship back and it saw the separation of another.
It brought a new car, and a trip to an old homestead.
 

Thomas Wolfe was right, You Can't Go Home Again. I found this relates not only to location, but also to matters of the heart. And even more when the two are combined.

I still live in the real world, and still have not seen the troubles I was warned about.

I have counseled others to stop letting being a transsexual be an excuse or a scapegoat when things don't go right for them.

Our lives are what we and God allow them to be. Or for those of you who do not believe, what YOU allow them to be.

If you never allow yourself to be the victim, there's a good chance you will never be.

Being a transsexual is not a curse, it's a gift. It's the reason we are who we are, Not an excuse to be who are not.



                         

Friday September 1st, '06

About 10 days ago, I had another one of those lumps show up on my upper calf.

Assuming it was just another spider bite, I treated it in the same fashion as before by applying ice packs. This seemed to aggravate it rather than help.

On Monday of this week, it was very painful, red and warm to the touch. But I put up with it thinking it will go away. Tuesday, I phoned my Doctors office, explaining what was happening, and what I had been doing. Her assistant phoned me back, saying the Doctor wanted another Doppler, and she had set it up for the next morning at 7:45, Followed by an appointment with her at 9:40.

I got to the Hospital about 5 minutes early and waited for 25 minutes before they called my name. The procedure is becoming all to familiar, and I prepped myself per usual. The Technician asked me if I minded if an intern sat in for the test, I figured why not, the more the merrier.

This test seemed to take forever. They kept going over certain areas, and after the first 2 tests I knew what to listen for as they used sound to hear the blood flow. The flow in my leg from groin to calf didn't change as it had before and I had this sick feeling in my stomach.

He also did the right leg completely, then said I could get dressed and to wait in the lobby while they contacted my Doctor. I slipped out under the guise of using the restroom and smoked a cigarette, then went back in and sat down.

Within a few moments, I heard someone call my name and when I looked up there stood a woman with a wheelchair telling me she was there to take me to my Doctors office. I have faced scares before, but always came out ok. This time a surreal haze fell over me and I could feel myself sinking inside.

My Doctor also had an intern with her who came in first to ask some questions. she was very thorough in her note taking, and after about 15 minutes, left to get the Doctor. When she came in, she sat down immediately and as pleasantly as possible said I had finally succeeded in developing a DVT or Deep Venous Thrombosis.

She spent the next 10 to 15 minutes outlying the treatment plan and asking more questions. I remembered that I had not mentioned that one of my brothers had a history of blood clots, and this really concerned her. Then her assistant spoke up and told her about my shortness of breath and inability to climb a flight of stairs without losing my breath. Shortly after this she told me she was having me admitted and was ordering several tests to make sure the clot had not broken off and gone into my lung.

She let me walk out to my car to get my laptop being as light hearted as she could telling me not to have a heart attack. I stopped at a phone and called my office to let them know I wouldn't be in, and called home to let Barb know what was happening. When I returned to the Doctors office I sat in the waiting room until her assistant wheeled me to my room, and along the way Barb met in the hallway

Once in the room, I was given a hospital gown to replace my skirt and sweater, and was helped into bed.

Almost immediately they had an IV in my arm and were waiting on transportation to take me down for a CT scan of my chest. Lab techs came in and took more of my blood.

There were people all over me, asking questions, poking prodding, and I felt trapped. Almost claustrophobic. Barb spoke up and asked my nurse if it was possible to get a nicotine patch for me. she said she would have to check with my Doctor. They brought in a lunch tray, then told me not to eat until they checked with imaging to see if it was ok. They said it wouldn't affect the test, but might make me nauseous because of the Iodine they would be injecting. I decided to take that chance, I was starving.

The gurney ride to imaging took forever, and all I remember are miles of fluorescent lights passing above me and the ice cold air in the hallways. I remember the feeling of wetting my pants from the iodine that was injected into my IV tube, and the feeling of being inside of a jet engine as this huge steel doughnut took images of my chest.

I was then placed in an alcove to wait for transportation to take me back up to my room. I was trembling from the cold air in the hallway, then realized I was sweating. I tried to relax but the thoughts that kept going through my mind in the hours I waited relieved me of the capability. Eventually someone came and wheeled me back to my room.

I had been gone for exactly 35 minutes.

                         

My room was much calmer as Becky, my nurse brought in an IV pump and hung a bag of Heperon, and connected it to the tube in my arm. Amy, my nutritionist came in and introduced herself and things calmed down

Becky brought in a nicotine patch and 2 Vicodin.

Barb stayed for about two and a half hours until I sent her home. During my trip to Imaging she had gone to the gift shop and bought 5 Tootsie Pops for me to help me not think about smoking.

Shortly after she left when things had calmed down and all was quiet, the emotions hit me, and I started to cry. I am taking some heavy duty anti-depressants, and usually I am numb to any emotions. But this was all too real. The room, the tubes the IV drip. I could feel my transition come to a screeching halt. My HRT in limbo, I fell asleep wondering what life would be like if I had to de-transition, returning to my former male self.

I would rather Die than allow that to happen.

I woke up about an hour later to Becky taking my vitals. and shortly after that they brought my dinner tray in. I can honestly say after all the jokes I have heard about hospital food, I was fairly impressed with the meals. At 6:00pm I was given my first dose of Coumadin followed by another blood draw. and shortly after dinner, I had my first visitors.

My oldest sister brought Mom up and they walked in wielding a Mylar balloon, a tiny book of inspiration, and a little black stuffed Flopsies puppy. This is the first time my mother has seen me in a hospital bed since right after I was born, and I could tell it shook her up a bit. They stayed for about an hour and left when I showed signs of wearing out. Around 8:00 the night nurse came in to take my vitals and I asked for more Vicodin and my Requip , but decided to wait on my other night-time meds.





------More to come-----


                         
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Tuesday August 15th '06

I Guess I'm being over cautious after hearing the words 'blood clot'. Earlier this week, I developed a large lump on my left thigh, above the knee. It also was very tender and red, and Directly above the artery. I contacted my Doctor and made an appointment.

She was ready to start treatment based on the possibility of a DVT, which is more serious, than what I have, and can cause stroke, paralyzation, Mental impairment, or death

while she examined the lump, she smiled & took a magnifying glass from the drawer. Looking with the glass, you could see two little 'fang' marks. It was a spider bite.

I felt very embarrassed, but she assured me, I had done the right thing coming in.

                         


Wednesday August 9th '06

2 weeks ago my left ankle became very swollen for no apparent reason. It didn't hurt, it was just huge! I went to my doctor, and she wasn't too concerned about it, but because I am on hormones, a smoker, and over 40, she ordered a Venous Doppler Scan to rule out blood clots. The test came out ok, and she gave me care instructions for my leg.

The swelling went down over the next few days, & everything seemed back to normal.
Then last Thursday, the swelling came back, and by the weekend was very painful. I followed the same instructions and after keeping it raised most of the weekend, the swelling decreased but as the swelling went down, I noticed red streaks from my ankle up my shin, ending in a rather large and very tender lump directly on top of a vein.

So Naturally, I called my Doctor again and went in yesterday morning. She took X-rays, and ordered another Doppler. I went in for the test again this afternoon, and this time was it not ok. the technician seemed very calm as he made his notes, and said he needed to do the right leg also since he found a superficial thrombosis in the left, and needed to make sure the right leg was ok.
Granted it's not as serious as it could be, and apparently isn't life threatening, it still scares me. I'm thinking a change of lifestyle is in order, I know I need to quit smoking, get more exercise, and eat better. Now how do I begin?

                         

Monday July 31st '06

I am very glad I did not allow myself to get hopeful of anything coming of the encounter from my last entry.

As I expected, nothing came of the plans to get together for lunch, but it didn't get to me as it had in the past.

I have been very busy at work lately including being in meetings most of last week.

Barb told me two weeks ago that she is moving to Ohio in September so I have been dealing with that as well as Kenya's moving to Florida earlier this month. I have spoken to her a couple of times since she left. I miss her already.

Last week during all the chaos of meetings and work, our Director of operations held a dinner party at her home on Wednesday. It really gave me a chance to get to know several people I work with, and opened the door for them to ask questions. I felt very good about that night as people got to know me a little better, and came to realize that I am very open regarding my transition. Something my former co-workers never did. Barb spent Saturday with our daughter, and I decided to make it a "Me Day"

I took advantage of the day and treated myself to a home spa day, culminating in candle light and a bottle of very nice wine.


                         



Sunday June 3rd '06

It never ceases to amaze me how our lives twist and turn, reach dead ends, only to have us blink and have a whole new road open up.

Over the past few weeks, I have been feeling down regarding the lack of progress in my transition, being "He'd" and mourning the loss of two very good friends. Kenya, the one moving away, and K, lost out of my own stupidity and insecurity. The 3 of us used to be inseparable and had a lot of fun together.

This past week, I didn't hear the word "he" once. I know it was said, but something inside of me decided not to hear it. I Heard "Maam" and "Miss" in some if the least expected places.



In a previous post I wrote of wanting more. Wanting to know that my journey will have a happy ending… wanting to know that somehow, everything will be all right again. And wanting my friend back. Fact is, I know that will never happen, so where does that leave the rest?



Well…



Life’s little twists and surprises have perhaps opened the door to renewing that old friendship.

And brought the 3 of us together again for a day of healing.

I don't know what this all means, but at least right now, it looks like the impossible has happened.

and once again life has shown me that dreams do come true.


                         

Monday May 22nd '06

There will be another song for me
For I will sing it
There will be another dream for me
Someone will bring it
I will drink the wine while it is warm
And never let you catch me looking at the sun
And after all the loves of my life
After all the loves of my life
You'll still be the one

I will take my life into my hands and I will use it
I will win the worship in their eyes and I will lose it
I will have the things that I desire
And my passion flow like rivers through the sky
And after all the loves of my life
After all the loves of my life
I'll be thinking of you
And wondering why

Richard Harris



                         

Saturday May 20th '06

Several years ago, I went through nearly 4 months having dreams about a friend and co-worker that I had feelings for, for about 2 years but never expressed. These dreams caused me to lose a lot of sleep, because I would wake myself up in fear that they would lead to the type of dreams one doesn’t have about friends. I would make myself stay awake, so I couldn’t dream. Until finally, I took some time off to go to the coast hoping I could clear my mind. My friend knew there was something wrong and asked me several times what it was, I couldn’t tell her anything other than I was having dreams that were disturbing to me. I slipped one day and said something to the effect that it was her fault I couldn’t sleep.

While at the coast, the dreams continued, and I didn’t sleep. I found myself walking on the beach at 2:00am taking pictures of the full moon over the waves. I had taken several pictures the day before that and Emailed them to her and another friend that morning. (Yes, I’m a computer junkie, my laptop goes wherever I do). In the ensuing Email thread she asked me if I was still having the dreams and wanted to know what they were about, saying if they were about her, she wanted to know. I told her I would explain when I returned.

When I returned to work the next week, I took her out to lunch and tried to explain what was going on. She had already figured it out, was flattered, but reminded me that she had a boyfriend. I never expected any other response, and didn’t expect it to go any further.

Within a few days we began spending a lot of time together and grew closer. We talked about many things including my manner of dress, which at the time incorporated women’s style sweaters among other items. We came to depend on each other which eventually lead to her calling me one night after having a problem with her boyfriend’s daughter and asked me to come over. Things that happened that night were things that had occurred in my dreams. It was almost as if my dreams were premonitions that came true.

Over the next year we spent a lot of time together, and even though I tried to back off, and she tried to not depend on me, drifting apart and always seemed to gravitate back to each other.

I often became moody when I realized what was happening was not good for either one of us, but when I tried to stay away or alienate myself, I was miserable. I behaved badly on many occasions in order to push her away.

Eventually, it worked.

She became bitter and cold towards me, angry at my behavior, tired of my apologies, and I'm sure a loss of trust on her part. We cut out all contact and became strangers, rather than friends.

The point of this dialog was to give some background for my current problem.



I have been having dreams again, but not like last time. My subconscious is telling me that I miss our friendship. I miss our time together, and I miss her companionship. I have not seen her for six months, nor spoken with her other than a brief instant message asking if she was planning a gathering for a friend of ours who is moving to Florida in June. Taking that step was painful, and left me feeling ashamed of what I had put her through.

I don't think I can attend that gathering I doubt that I would be welcome.


                         
Tuesday May 16th '06

Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.

from "The Pooh Book of Quotations" by A. A. Milne


                         

Monday May 15th '06

I have received several messages from the Forum today regarding my entry for yesterday.

I want people to know, that although I seem stuck, I really am happy. I am very fortunate to be working for a wonderful company where the people are terrific and I feel accepted by all. Sometimes I feel a lack of confidence in my abilities because I am surrounded by extremely intelligent people that know the company and it's business inside and out. I know It takes time to build this knowledge when going into a new area, but my technical skills are coming back strong. I get along with my clients very well, and they seem to like me

Sometimes I get bothered by people referring to me as 'he'. I shouldn't let it bother me, but it somehow raises my doubts about passing. Not so much when my family uses the term, because they knew "Him" for many many years. But when strangers or people that only know me as Louise use the term, it invalidates everything I have done for the past 2 years. I try to laugh it off, but inside, I doubt myself.

I also realized today why I have been shying away from my friend who is moving next month. I am trying to distance myself so when the time comes for her to leave, it wont hurt so much. I broke down last week, and IM'ed K (my former friend) to ask if she was planning any kind of going away party or gathering for her. I wanted to make sure she had a chance to say goodbye to all of her friends, but didn't want to plan something if K had already done so. She said she was going to be putting something together. So I guess, I'll have a private drink with her to say my goodbyes.

After she goes, I'll have no-one to share my thoughts and troubles with. and I want so much to tell her Thanks for being here for me when no-one else was.

                         


Sunday May 14th '06

I have been in transition for nearly two years now, and full time for 18 months So far the only thing I have been able to do is hormones, and 2 laser treatments that failed because my facial hair is grey and white. I don’t even feel that the hormones are doing any good.

I feel as though my transition has stalled, and even though I am happy living as a woman, I feel that there is so much I am missing by not being able to achieve any recognizable results.

During the 9 months that I was not working and struggling to survive, I couldn’t help but wonder if thing’s would be different if I was more passable, or if I reverted back to my former self. I couldn’t do it though, because I know this is who I am. It took me 46 years to finally be able to be me, and I can’t go back. I would rather die than lose my womanhood.

Yet still I feel so incomplete because nothing seems to be happening. I am in a constant state of limbo and at times feel like I have absolutely no control.

A lot has happened to me in the past year, most of it brought on myself.

I lost my best friend because of what I had become. My only other close friend is moving cross country next month. I lost my job, which also caused me to lose my health insurance. I let a lot of people down that depended on me and I spiraled into a depression so deep I hit absolute rock bottom in early January. I cried out, but no-one came

I know a lot of what I am feeling is no different than others, but as others realize, it is something you have to feel for yourself.

I put on a good front, and thanks to my daily cocktail of anti-depressants I am safe from myself.

I have many things in my life to be grateful for. A caring family, a good job, good health, a roof over my head and food to eat. What more can a woman ask for?

Yet I’m still stuck. I want more. want to know that my journey will have a happy ending.

I want to know that somehow, everything will be all right again. And I want my friend back. Fact is, I know that will never happen, so where does that leave the rest?

There has been a lot of talk lately about the choice to transition. For me there was no choice, I was slowly self destructing because of my internal conflict and the only logical step was to be true to myself.

I know I had fantasies at first about transitioning into a beautiful woman, but reality struck and I know that’s not possible. A plain ordinary, non-descript woman is all I long to be.


                         



Saturday March 18th '06

Things have been going well for me for the past few weeks.

I have had several interviews, and a very good offer from a very nice company that I have accepted, I start on Monday.

I have also been asked to be on the board of directors for the Tara Foundation, and am very excited about this opportunity. Although I am still not able to afford my final surgery, I feel the need to help others outweighs the need to help myself, and I believe that by helping others I will find myself in the position to be helped. Even if I don't receive help, I still feel a great satisfaction in knowing that I have helped someone else fulfill their dream.

I had the good fortune to meet Tara Taylor, who is the executive director and founder of the Tara foundation a few weeks ago. She is a lovely woman that has a goal to help transgendered women who cannot afford their surgeries. After talking with her for over an hour I had a feeling that we could be good friends and I feel her vision is one that needs to be realized. There are so many women like myself in situations that do not allow them the opportunity to start or maintain their transition that this type of service is long past due.

I look forward to serving the foundation as best I can.



I have also gotten to know several women through the Information Exchange at Calpernia Addams web site, including several local women that have gone through or are going through the same thing I am. Calpernia Addams and her Partner Andrea James are actresses and professional women who are getting lots of exposure in their advocacy for Transgendered women. Calpernia has been in several movies and TV shows as well s acting as consultant for several movies including TransAmerica. I have had the good fortune to correspond with her on several occasions and found her to be a very charming, intelligent and professional woman



                         




January 30th, '06.

I have decided not to continue my web diary at this time. I feel it could only prove to be more painful to myself and others that I care about, and possibly damaging to some I don't. I am not a bitter person, and so rather than writing things that could cause harm, I will take some time to rethink my diary content. There is a short biography in the About me pages for those interested

If I could go back and relive the past 26 months, there are very few things I would change, I feel there were lessons learned, and I have come a long way since then towards being healthy. I was hurt by others, and I caused them pain as well. I know that is all part of life, and we must all accept the good with the bad. And, we must decide for ourselves which memories we choose to keep, and how we remember them.