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November 14th, 2009 Sometimes in life things get to be too much. life itself becomes too hard to handle, and we look for answers wherever we can. Sometimes life becomes terrifying and we wonder where we can find the strength to go on. When things start to pile up and the weight of the world bears down on us until we are flattened under all the stress, we look for answers in God, in friends, and family. We carry on, plodding through our day trying our best to make it to the end of the day, so we can start all over tomorrow and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that. What do we do when God doesn't answer? What to we do when friends become strangers? When family doesn't know you, or can't come to grips with who you are. What happens when you are so totally alone, and invisible ? What do we do when life loses it's appeal and it becomes obvious that no-one cares? What if...
November 12th, 2009
Last Friday during a visit to my doctor, she found a lump in my right breast. One that she said was a little harder than she would expect for a cyst or cystic tissue. I have not had a mammogram for almost 2-1/2 years. She sent the orders in to the Imaging department of a local hospital, and I scheduled the appointment for today. I was to have had a normal screening of my left breast, and a diagnostic mammogram on the right side, followed by an Ultra sound.. I took the day off today so I could concentrate on this, and a physical therapy appointment that had been scheduled for 9:00 am. The Mammogram was rescheduled for next Tuesday due to a scheduling error.
Waiting over the weekend was hard enough last weekend, but now I have had a chance to let the possibilities of Breast Cancer sink in, this weekend is going to be hell. I have waited all my life to be able to transition, and something always gets in the way
October 26th, 2009 It has been an interesting summer and fall. My ex arrived in late July to be treated for a hip injury that the doctors in Ohio were unable to figure out. She arrived in a wheelchair because she couldn't walk. They had basically given up, saying they couldn't find anything wrong, yet she was in constant pain. Within two weeks of her arrival, she was admitted to a local hospital, and two days later, had surgery to correct an injury to her lower spine and a double cervical implant in her neck. She was here just under two months, and we both agreed, that it was time for her to go. I found myself remembering the feelings we used to have, but she again made it clear that I was to blame for her leaving, and that I was one who destroyed all of her dreams. So I became my old bitter self, in order to keep the distance that I would need when she left. When she did leave, I found myself mourning all over again, but this time it felt different. I think I knew that whatever we once had is gone forever, and that keeping the friendly relationship we have had will be impossible if I want to move ahead with my life. I have come to some realizations lately that I am letting life pass me by. I want to do things before I can't do them. I want to take a cruise, and I want to see New England. I want to experience friendship again, and if at all possible, I want to feel love again.
July 5th 2009
Another holiday, another night alone, followed by a barbeque with family and the embarrassment of listening to the "he" references. I try to not let it bother me, but its like a knife stabbing me with every he I hear. My option is of course to stay home rather than put myself through this, but I need human contact. My daughter is busy with her own life and friends, and I think this is wonderful. even when she is home, she's usually wrapped up in a movie or sleeping, so I very rarely see her. I called by closest friend last Thursday to say happy birthday. For the past few years I have spent this evening with her, but this we we seem to have grown apart, and there is not much room in her life for this tired old tranny. I'm supposed to be taking a week off starting this Friday and I would love to head to the beach to see if I still have any friends there. In case you hadn't noticed, I am in a mild state of depression. this solitary life I am forced to lead, coupled with issues at work that have everyone on edge and in fear of losing their jobs, is taking it's toll once again. Last Wednesday would have been my Dad's 88th birthday. I joined my mom, brother and sisters for dinner so I could be embarrassed in public in order to celebrate his life.
and the week before that
would have been my best friends 53rd birthday. Two of the most important
men in my life are no longer with us, one because of a terrible disease
called Alzheimer's, and the other I will blame on our healthcare system.
He couldn't afford healthcare, or the open heart surgery that would have
allowed him to live past his 42nd year.
June 14th, 2009
Through the years I have had three basic types of visitors. The first are the "Oops, how did I get here" hits, who searched for something unrelated to Transgender issues, and got results that may include some content on my site. They enter, then leave right away. These account for only a small percentage of traffic, about 4%
Then there are those who actually want to come here. these are divided into 2 groups.
(Of these about 37 percent are looking for pictures, more often than not, looking to satisfy some sort of sexual perversion, and leave disappointed after not finding hot she-males they can self gratify to.)
May 8th, 2009 I know it's been a while since my last update, but things have been pretty crazy for me. After the snows of December there were a few snowy days in January and February to go along with my personal storms, And even fell over into March (It's Called SPRING for a reason!!!) Work has been super busy, and I have put in some long hours to handle some issues with a few clients and trying to learn all the ins and outs of our latest product that is in the final stages of development as it is being installed at what we call our Founding Partner sites. All this while Pneumonia tackled me during Chemo treatments and had me down for a few days, but like before, I was NOT going to let this take control of my life. besides the transplant, I missed only 1 day of work due to chemo directly, and a few more due to the Pneumonia. My Daughter moved in with me in February after she dumped her fiancé` for being a total ass. It's nice having her around, but I feel I have to be strong and not show what my health is really like. I know she worries, and I won't put her through the hell I go through, so I put on my smiley face while she's home, and try my best to not show her my pain. She has had so much pain in her life, and has grown up so fast, that I want her to have some good times with me before it's too late. Money as always is super tight, and with medical expenses going through the roof, I'm not making it. I dream about continuing my transition, but this is I fear is a mere pipe dream.
January 11th 2009 I am going to be starting my second round of Chemo in a few weeks. with fresh bone marrow, I am hoping this will be the last
Dec 31st,2008. New Years Eve. I time when most people are with friends or family. A time for laughter and merriment, games and midnight kisses. My new years eve is being spent home alone, watching movies that I have seen too many times, wondering what it would be like to be invited to a party, or even get a phone call from a friend saying Happy New Year.
We had our family Christmas gathering at my older brother's house this afternoon, with food filling the countertops and tables, and a very nice albeit shortened gift exchange. After which the girls played cards, and the guys fell asleep in front of the television. I played cards for a short time until I noticed it was nearly seven pm, and I needed to get home to feed my dog, and take her out.
Sometimes having a dog, takes it's toll on my desire to have a normal life. but then, she lays on my lap while I'm typing, and that wondrous unconditional love makes me forget all that. There are three hours to go until it's midnight here on the west coast. I doubt if I will even be awake to see the new year arrive.
Dec 27th, 2008 This is the time of year that is hardest for me. Being alone during the holidays is the part of choosing to transition that affects me the hardest. Coming home to a house devoid of human contact gets to me even during the best of times, but during this season that should be filled with love and Family, it is almost unbearable. I have my puppy, and she is the one thing that gets me through the lonely nights. The limited time I have to spend with my daughter seems so short lived, it just comes and goes too soon. This year with the snow storm we had, and some other losses our Family gathering had to be postponed until new years eve, so the days have been long and lonely.
I watched "TransAmerica" tonight for the first time in quite a while. It brought back memories of my daughter and I going to see it in a theater when it first came out. It was the first time it felt like she understood what I was going through. At one point during the movie, she took my hand and put her head on my shoulder. She told me later she never realized how hard this must be for me.
Dec 25th, 2008 For some. Christmas is a time reflection. Looking back over the past years happenings. The up's and downs, and the trials that the world brings. To others it is a day to remember the birth of our Savior, and celebrate what it really means to be a Christian. To Some, it's simply an inconvenience, that wastes their time and spawns commercialism. Still others of different faiths observe their own rites and traditions in the form of Hanukah, Kwanza, or a myriad of other faiths that encompass our globe. But no matter what it means, or how you celebrate, the one common factor is family. Without family to celebrate with, Christmas just seems to be incomplete.
Dec 23rd, 2008 My wish has always been to have a white Christmas. A traditional wish from the days of yore, when life was simple and people took the time to enjoy the season. To have carolers going door to door singing the noels of the season. Sitting by the fireside with hot cocoa, while watching the Christmas classics with old friends George Bailey, Bob Wallace, Ebenezer Scrooge, and old Kris Kringle himself. The kind of scene you would see in a Thomas Kinkade paint But in today's world of super sized everything you have be careful what you wish for... I have been snowed in for 5 days now, in what is described as one of the worst snow storms in the past 40 years in the Portland area. and because I live in a higher elevation, the accumulation is almost double what registers with the weather service. Currently outside my front door, I have 9 inches of powdery snow, covered by 1/4 - 1/2 inch of ice, covered by 6-7 inches of fresh powder.
Christmas with my family is at risk due to weather conditions, I can't even get out of my driveway, to go to the pharmacy, which I need because on top of all the other stress, I have come down with pneumonia.. So I sit here, day after day, night after night, alone with my dog, and try to pretend that... I Believe Dec 16th, 2008 I have just passed the beginning of my 53rd year, I welcomed the day with my daughter, and a snow storm. A warm fire burned all day long as the snow piled outside, and temperatures dropped to the teens. It's not often we get this kind of storm in my neck of the woods, so it is a welcome sight as it adds a touch of tradition to the Christmas season. I know my daughter is getting restless being snowed in with me, but it has been wonderful to be able to spend this time with her. This past year has been stressful for me. Health issues have plagued me, financial issues continue to stall progress in my transition, Depression comes and goes and at times is debilitating, but Life goes on. I try to create a better life for myself, but as I do, I fall backwards into old ruts, and have to dig myself out one more time. The stress and depression have taken a new avenue to show they are in control, and My weight has reached the proportions of an armored truck and even my newest clothes no longer fit well. I am starting to feel that I will never be complete, and I have given myself too many false hopes. With my daughters wedding coming up in just over 4 months, I really need to get myself together so I can be prepared. Over the past week or so, I have felt that my Blood pressure may be high, and have had headaches that won't go away. This morning I had a nose bleed, and since I'm on cumadin, this could be very serious. I found my blood pressure cup and wasn't surprised when it was 174/107. I know this is a stressful time of year, and with the other stresses in my life right now, I am a little scared that this could be worse than usual. |
